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Phone Thoughts

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Sitting in the doctor’s waiting room looking through some notes on my iPhone 2/6/18

December 16, 2016 9:12 am

Write notes

Jot it down

Feel the pain

Coming down

Through my fingerprints flowing through my pen

Words to paper

Emotions to reflections

The feel of imperfection

Just another soul walking this world

Feeling afraid and alone

Come hold my hand

Bring me to another land

Let Me Show You

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2013 Visuals for Speech Class depicting the faces of my experience with bipolar disorder
Manic depression
As you can see my background was consistent and that’s because I spent the majority of the day or days in my room or living room.
I didn’t see the light of day or stepped outside my door.
It was a tumultuous two years following an abusive relationship and unresolved issues from the past.

 

An Attempt To Write Again

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Elvis Presley- Can’t Help Falling In Love With You

I must’ve heard it subconsciously through a tv show but I just needed to listen to Elvis’s voice right now.  

Blue Christmas-I was going to skip but for some reason, I feel I needed to listen to it. 

Jailhouse Rock- I kind of feel like dancing, getting out of my bed, but I’ll just stay here and continue to type whatever comes to my mind. This is the most I have written in a while so I will just follow wherever music brings me.

I am feeling the effects of my depression, especially my seasonal affective disorder-Some people say it doesn’t exist and it may just be a deficiency elsewhere in my body, maybe but I know how I’ve been feeling throughout the majority of my life. A lot of it is sadness, confusion, pain, anger, suppressed memories, and insecurities- a shitload of them.

Suspicious Minds- Now this song I like a lot.

Hounddog- Always brings me back to the Grease Soundtrack-Hands down my favorite movie of my childhood. My obsession was so intense that I wore the same Pink Lady costume for 3 years straight. I didn’t care. Deep down I felt I had that Pink Lady confidence but I was the shyest bitch around.

Okay so enough of Elvis, now I decided to check out Spotify’s All About 50s playlist.

RunAround Sue is on the top of the list. Every single wedding has this on their playlist ever since I was a kid till this very day. Slut Shaming wedding anthem. 

I know I’m rambling and most likely not making any sense and whoever is reading this may have lost interest by the third sentence but I’ll keep writing because I know eventually, I’ll get somewhere with it.

I haven’t written a solid piece since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II on November 15th, 2012.

A few hours and days later Lamictal and Seroquel were introduced into my bloodstream. Blessing and a curse, let me tell you.

I’m not placing all the blame on the magical pills to somewhat kind of put me on track for that time period but hell they are a huge reason why my creativity was stunted.

Prior to that day,  I was experiencing manic-depressive episodes from late 2010 till the day I was diagnosed. So, pretty much for two years, I didn’t sleep or slept too much. I was slowly fading away, what kept me going were my manic sprints of billions of ideas that seemed to be locked up in me for years. What a rush it was, a drug and at that time I wasn’t even smoking weed like I used to. Pot wouldn’t even help me get creative, unlike mania.

What led me to Manic Depressive Episodes for two years?

I’ll let you know in another convoluted post.